The Truth

What is the truth for someone who has been in or is still in an abusive relationship?
Finding the truth amidst all the lies, deceit and heartache is hard.
Guilt says you are wrong, even if you are the victim. Guilt blames you for the abuse, for standing against the abuse.

It is so hard to put into words how a victim of abuse feels, and it's even harder to explain to others.

The following video explains it all so clearly and helps to define the truth about abuse.

http://www.abusehelpspiritual.com/abuse_help_video.html

Back after a long disappearance!

Life has been full of ups, downs, joys, heartache and so much, much more since April!

Changing my blog is I suppose a sort of symbolism of changes in my life.

I am starting over, leaving behind an abusive, unhealthy relationship and in the midst of it am working hard at clinging to the Lord.

He has been my stronghold through all of this turmoil in my life, not just for the last 5 months, but for so many years.

He stays beside me, sometimes carrying me, but never letting me go. I may wander away, even if just for a short time, but He remains the one true constant in my life.
He never changes, He never leaves, He never disappoints.
How many people in our lives can we say that about, or ourselves for that matter.

I am enrolling in cosmetology school and completely changing course in my life...very different from teaching childbirth classes, and yet maybe not so much.
Caring for others is important to me, making others feel good about themselves, helping others have the strength and courage to do something powerful in their lives.
These are things I did when teaching pregnant women and coaching them through labor, and perhaps this is something I will do as a hair stylist and esthetician.

God has place a dream on my heart for how to use my cosmetology skills and I love what He is showing me to do.
One day I will share.

So much more to share but that is all for tonight...stayed tuned!

Decisions, choices, trust...

I'm reading a great book called Encouragements for the Emotionally Abused Woman by Beverly Engel.

It took me years to let the word abuse escape from my lips and even longer to admit that I have been abused.

So here I am needing to make a decision, learn what choices I have and trust again.

The Importance of Making a Decision:
"It is very difficult to make a decision you know will affect the rest of your life. But not facing the decision to stay or leave is a decision in itself. It is a decision to let someone else decide for you, to allow life to happen to you instead of you happening to life."

Choice:
"Often we feel as if we don't have choices when what we want in the moment is not possible. As soon as you can let go of the need to have things the way you want the, you will open yourself up for a lot of other possibilities. Then you will see that your choices are many."

Trusting:
"If you are not willing to trust yourself, other people and events will determine the direction of your life...trust your inner wisdom, even if it means giving up what is secure and familiar. Begin to trust that you will do the right thing for yourself and that even if you make a mistake, you'll be okay."

Stepping out from under the familiar covering that was my life is scary, but truthfully, the thought of staying under a covering that was not safe or healthy is even scarier.
I want to live fully and be who I was meant to be in Christ, and staying just because it's easier, more secure and familiar is not the best decision.

Standing at the crossroads...

Have you ever stood at a crossroads where you need to make a decision that will change the course of your life?

As I stand here now, at a place I never thought I'd be, it often feels more like a cliff that I'm about to step off of instead of a road that I need to make a turn onto.

I once read that when we take a step out in faith we will discover firm footing underneath our feet or we will be given wings to fly.

May I soar upon eagle's wings, Lord.

My Birthday

Today is my 44th birthday. Wow, how did that happen??

My mom has always said that the years go by quicker and quicker the older we become. And it is so true.

My weeks have become a sort of blur lately and before I know it a new week begins while the previous week fades into the distance.
Just to slow time down, just a tiny bit, for just a little while.
To catch my breath, regroup and enjoy each day instead of speeding through each minute, not being able to focus on the here and now.

Today though, I'm slowing down the day somewhat, as much as the second hand will allow as it counts down each minute and ticks away the hours.

Today is for me. My day. My time. My journey.
Nothing else matters today, just for today at least.
A time to focus on this second and not worry about tomorrow.

So, a happy day it is, as another birthday has arrived and slowly ticks away.

Continuing to move forward...

It's been 3 weeks since he left.
It has been a time of hurt, anger and...peace.
I continue to draw my strength from the Lord and allow Him to lead my steps day by day.
He is faithful. Now and always.


As I've been searching for a job and trying to figure out what I need to do I have had a renewed vision of my dream. Teaching childbirth classes and providing labor assistance.

Is this my own desire or is the Lord placing this desire in my heart?


I feel on fire when thinking about starting my business back up, but I also feel hesitant, scared.


I've contacted the childbirth organization International Childbirth Education Association (ICEA) about certification and they have a fast track program for former childbrith educators.

Now I just need confirmation that this is the thing to do. Would it be lucrative for me to teach again? Is there enough need in this area for services? Is this where my focus needs to be?


I continue to pray that the answers will become very clear, and I continue to pray that the Lord leads me each day showing me the way to go.

And He does...

A New Day

I realize at this point that only God knows where things will go. He and He alone is guiding my steps each day, each hour, each minute. When I cling to Him and allow Him to lead me things go perfectly. When I fight and fuss, and allow doubts to take control of my mind things are much harder.

So, today Lord lead me, step by step. Show me clearly what I need to do, where I need to go and when I need to just be.

I feel that I'm breathing easier. I feel like myself again, someone I haven't seen or known in a long, long time.
I've been told for years how controlling and domineering I am. So in an attempt to not be those things that I supposedly was I stopped speaking up, I stopped suggesting things and then I started going along with things, I just nodded and said okay and I started denying who I was.
But then I was still being controlling and domineering by not speaking up, not expressing how I truly felt, not sharing my heart.
There was no way to win, so instead I gave up.

Now out of necessity I am having to make decisions, make choices, speak up for what I want, and am starting to share my heart again.

This is a new day.