First day of school for most

But for us it's the first day of not-back-to-school.

While most of the kids in our neighborhood are up early today and heading off to school, my oldest son is at work and my youngest is still sleeping.

In a little while, my youngest son and I will head to town for our annual not-back-to-school day. Nothing exciting really, but just a day where we hang out together. We will run a few errands, grab a doughnut at a local bakery (very rare treat!) and a latte for me, visit Office Depot for a few notebooks, pens and pencils, and then spend some time at the main library browsing and just hanging out. Then it's home to begin the monsterous task of purging clutter from his bedroom, wash his curtains and bedding, vacuum, dust and totally revamp his room.

I love this time of year. It feels so crisp outside and is a time for beginning new things. I always look forward to it and this year I'm determined to make this our best homeschool ever.

September is here already....

where oh where did summer go?
The older I get the faster the years zip by. Each month blurs into the next one until I'm not sure how to keep up! LOL

Today I woke up feeling overwhelmed with so much to do and just not sure where to start. But I know I have to start somewhere so I will make a list of what must get done, of what I liked to do and see if somehow I can get organized.

A couple years ago before I started working outside the home at the coffee shop I had a daily routine and it helped make each day flow so much smoother. Then when I started working I let so much of that routine fly out the window and now I feel like I'm back to square one. So, today and the rest of this week will be dedicated to putting a routine back into place, printing off menu plans, printing off chore sheets, printing off homeschooling weekly planners.

I've also made the decision that I need to get healthier, I need to eat differently, I need to walk more, I just need to feel better because I don't feel good these days. It's funny when I mention that to people the first thing they say is "you don't need to lose weight"?? Like that's the only reason for eating better. And actually yes, I could stand to lose the weight I've put on around my middle. But this isn't about losing weight, it's about feeling better and I just don't these days. I feel sluggish, bloated, just all around yucky. It's time to change that and start making small changes that will become habit, will become routine.

So, lots to do this week. Homeschooling to get organized and started, menus to make, health issues to deal with.

Stay tuned...

New reflections

There comes a time every once in a while where change is good. At least for me. I love change. It keeps things fresh and makes me feel renewed. So, about two weeks ago I got my hair cut short, I mean really short. I wanted something different, I wanted a change, I wanted to feel renewed. It is nice to see the change in the mirror, although I admit the first week or so I didn't much care for my new appearance but now I like what I see. But it isn't just the new haircut reflected in the mirror that I like, it's what lies within. In the last year there have been some major occurences in my life and through it all I have found my faith gives me the strength to endure and the hope that no matter what lies ahead I can be certain that the Lord will take care of me.
So, as I see my new reflection in the mirror, I'm not just seeing a new haircut, I'm seeing my faith reflected back at me and I like what I see.

And so in keeping with renewing myself, I decided my blog needed somewhat of a makeover too.

Stay tuned for more to come.....

A lazy, hazy Sunday afternoon....

It just seems that this summer I either haven't found time to blog or just find myself sitting at the 'puter not knowing what to say. So many things happening, time flying by, thoughts rattling away in my head and not knowing how to catch any of those thoughts and make sense of them.

So, here goes, we'll see if any of these thoughts will make sense....maybe by writing them down and capturing them on my blog will help me to think more clearly....

*My job as a barista will end this week. My employer has gotten to a point where she needs to lay this all down until her new coffee shop is rebuilt hopefully by next spring. In the meantime, we aren't bringing in enough money at the coffee kiosk she opened in May and so we will put out the CLOSED sign permanently. I don't think I will be going back to work for her even when the new coffee shop opens. It's time for me to lay it down too, to put aside working outside the house. I pray that through another small writing job I can bring in enough to help sustain us each month. I pray and know that the Lord will continue to provide. I'm ready to be a stay at home mom 100% of the time. I need to be. I once was. But the last couple years I really needed to work part-time and I'm thankful for the opportunity the Lord provided me. A job within 2 minutes of my home, a great employer who has become a dear friend and a job that was enjoyable. Not many can say that. So, Wednesday I will make my last latte, my last mocha, my last smoothie and say good-bye to the dear customers who have become so familiar and a constant in my life over the last 2 years. Oh, I will see them around town and in passing we will smile at one another and say hello, and I will have great memories of getting to know them and the job that brought me joy. I will hug my employer good-bye, just temporarily I hope and know that I have made a great friend. We have held each other up during the rough times, we have laughed tears of joy and we have gotten to know each other like sisters. I can't believe it's coming to an end. At least temporarily, but perhaps permanently. Only the Lord knows and I tell her that she has to believe and have faith that He is completely in control and knows her future, and it is a good one. She has faith, we both do.

*My husband's illness has gotten worse. One doctor spoke 3 words that we had hoped never to hear, Lou Gehrig's Disease. The paperwork is being done to send my husband to Portland, Oregon to an medical university in hopes of getting answers. When will it happen? Whenever all the T's are crossed and I's are dotted and Medicare stamps APPROVED on it all. I'm not sure I want to know, I'm not sure I don't want to know. What difference will it make? Will we live differently? Will we live more joyfully or with heavier hearts? Why, why, why???? My head spins, my heart aches, my thoughts don't make sense. It's not fair, but right, who said life is fair. I'm only 43, I want to not worry so much about the future, I want a healthy husband who can do things with his family, I want God to take it all away.

To end on a happier note, here are a few pictures taken at my nephew's wedding in June:

Zach and Nick

Myself and my brother

Zach, my mom and Nick

Random early morning thoughts....

Wow, it's been over a month since I've written! And what a month it has been.
There is a saying that when it rains it pours...we have been in the middle of a monsoon.

My oldest ds is taking one day at a time, but isn't doing what I would call good. Others would just say, and have said, "oh, that's just a teen", but I've never bought into that.

Sure all teens go through hormonal changes that cause moodiness and they start cutting the apron strings so to speak trying to find their independence which can make for difficult adjustments in the family, but I've always felt that the mindset of the world in regards to teenagers just allows a teen to continue on a path that isn't the Truth.

In other words, don't we give a teen permission to continue acting and behaving the way they do when we have the mindset of, "that's just a teen" and in some cases laugh it off. I've known friends and people at church that say this and believe it. I don't.

When the boys were little, my MIL used to say to me, "just wait until they are teens, you won't have a brain left, they won't believe you know anything." I just couldn't ever believe that and felt at the time she had just bought into the world's point of view that teens will be teens and there's nothing we can do about it.

My boys, my teen boys, still come to me and we talk about things, I listen, they listen, and most of the time thank me for my advice. I didn't lose my brain, nor did my boys grow up thinking I didn't know anything.

Parenting teens is hard no doubt and I don't have all the answers. I do believe though that our dc are greatly influenced by who they hang out with and I think right now my ds is being influenced by some of his friends that go to school and look down on homeschooling. He has been pushed many times to "just come to school" and asked "why would you want to homeschool"? My youngest gets it a lot too from his friends and before long it peaks their curiosity and has them wondering why they are different.
When we were in WA all of their friends were homeschooled, now here in Oregon a majority of my oldest ds's friends are in school. It wasn't until we came here that my oldest started feeling different about himself.
(Please note I'm not putting down school outside of the home, but this is how we chose things for our dc and have been fortunate enough to continue with it all these years)

Well, these are a lot of rambling thoughts, many incomplete thoughts....perhaps I'll revisit this in another post. For now it's time for my morning walk....later I'll do a picture post of a trip we took last month.

A son's pain, a mother's tears

Wow, what a week! It is true that when it rains it pours...

As my children have gotten older I've come to realize that it isn't the labor pains that hurt the worse, it is watching your children go through trials in their lives and not being able to take away their pain or always make the situation better. When they were little a band-aid and kiss usually solved many boo-boos that occurred, but there aren't enough band-aids or kisses to make the last couple days better for my oldest son.

Wednesday was his last day working for a friend who is building a house and his iPod came up missing that day at work. He thinks, but of course isn't sure, that another worker he hadn't met before may have taken it. My son is so into his music and has put a lot of money into his iPod, it's with him everywhere so that was a big loss for him.

But that was nothing compared to what happened this morning, or actually last night.

My son leads worship at our church youth group on Wednesday nights and when he got home last night he left with a group of friends to go see a movie. Well, he forgot one thing....his guitar was lying in the back of his pickup. This morning when we were busy packing up my husband and the boys for a trip to Eastern Oregon (they're over there tonight until Sunday) my son happened to notice his guitar lying in the back of his truck.

Unfortunately, it was only the guitar case because someone had come along last night and taken the guitar and left the case.

This was such a blow to my son, to all of us. And this guitar was my husband's. He's had it for about 30 years and 3 years ago had it refurbished and gave it to our son. Zach is an amazing guitar player and absolutely loves playing.

This has been a really hard lesson for him, really hard. Zach is absolutely heart broken over it, and angry at himself. He is angry with God and feels that God is angry with him and that's why He is taking these things away and allowing other things to happen in his life.

I worry so much for my son because his anger has grown so over the years. Years of not feeling he lives up to his father's expectations, that he is stupid, that he just isn't anybody special. His anger scared me today and the things he said about himself were so terrible. He honestly doesn't see any worth in himself. Some might say this is just a teen thing, but he has said these things for years.

Could I have done more? Could I have helped him through it better?

Labor was so painless compared to these days.

(Sorry about the picture, I change it but it keeps changing back when I add it to my blog)

Power of a Praying Wife

Over the years many people have recommended this book when I mention the troubles I'm having in my marriage. And I've gotten to where I tend to roll my eyes, not when they're looking of course!

I decided to take a look at the author's website this morning before heading off to church. I was still fuming, angry, and just overall very hurt. I read somewhere that anger is usually a cover up for feeling very hurt. It's easier to show our anger at someone than to tell them how hurt we are. Why is that??

While on the website I downloaded an excerpt from the book, Power of a Praying Wife, and begin to read. At first I caught myself rolling my eyes, yay right I thought. The basics: commit to praying daily for someone that is really hurtful towards you, ask God to change you [lots more eye rolling], and lay down your marriage at God's feet...not necessarily in that order!
So, if I change, then the other person will stop being so rude and hurtful?? Hmmmm....
Well, not necessarily she says.

What does happen though when we ask God to soften our own hearts and help us see where we need to change is that we stop focusing so much on the other person's faults and we will respond differently to those difficult situations when they arise, and then something amazing will happen, over time we may find less of those difficult situations occuring. Really?? Hmmmm....

And this woman states flat out that hers is not a perfect marriage, by far, and in the beginning she was ready to quit, to leave, to say adios buddy [my own words added for dramatic effect! hee-hee!]

Okay, okay, maybe it's time I read this book again, maybe there is something to it. And of course when today everyone's in a better mood things seem okay, isn't that how it always happens??

That's the problem actually, how to discuss a situation and resolve it instead of sweeping things under the rug. Eventually that small bump becomes a looming mountainside that is not easy to scale over and over.

Things to think about, prayers to be said, forgiveness to be handed out....hmmmmm....